Waiting for my real life to begin

When I started this blog (nearly 3 years ago) I talked about 'serving with broken hands' - you can read it here:

Broken Hands - an introduction

I talked about how in a number of seasons in my life I had managed to damage my left hand - specifically before I was married and before I was ordained. At the time I reflected that perhaps God was teaching me through the realities of my human failings that I really cannot 'do' being ordained, just like I can not 'do' marriage, in my own strength - but only through the grace and power of God. 

Well folks, my hand is broken again - a few days ago our toddler had an accident in the middle of the night, which - without giving too much detail meant at 3am I needed to wash my feet. In an attempt to not wake my wife (the only thing which was successful that evening) I managed to break our bathroom sink, and in attempting (and failing) to fix it, now have a rather deep and painful cut, once again on my left hand.

Perhaps the real lesson I need to learn is that I'm no where near as practically minded as I think I am. (Thanks to Ed who fixed the sink for us - at a social distance, obviously).

I posted on Sunday (just a few days ago) about how, at the moment, I'm not really worrying too much about our future and know that God has it in hand. All that is true and I'm not about to issue a retraction - I still know the peace which comes from knowing that I can trust God - but I've been reflecting further for these few days since.

These times are strange - if one more person on the news tells me they are unprecedented I may have to throw something at the television - which, in itself, would be unprecedented I guess...

For some these are really hard times, for our wonderful NHS, for those ensuring we can eat, have water and electricity, have safe streets and our rubbish collected (to name but a few) - they are not only busier than ever, but also literally involve them putting their lives at risk each and each day. It is right that we thank them by clapping each week, and we must find ways of thanking them with more than just applause when we can.

But for the rest of us, or at least for me, it can feel like the world has come to a stop - that we aren't really going anywhere, or doing anything. As an example, my university have decided that I don't need to to submit an essay for my current module - I will simply have been deemed to have passed it without assessment - like, somehow these next three months don't really 'count'. 

I doubt many of you know the song 'Waiting for my real life to begin' by Colin Hay (his band, Men at Work, wrote 'I come from a land down under', don't let that put you off). You can listen to it here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQBHPn9sDfY  It's not a worship song and I don't think Colin Hay is a Christian.

His second verse says:

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened

But in my dreams, I slew the dragon

And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane

I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

I don't want to give you the impression I'm not doing anything, that without a church to be curating (that's a word) in I'm sat at home waiting for the phone to ring. Quite the opposite, I had expected this term to be a quiet one as we prepared to move - it is, in fact, busier than ever. But yet, even amongst the 'stuff', I resonate with those words 'suddenly, nothing happened' - and certainly 'I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again'.

In a very real sense at the moment we are waiting - waiting for this whole thing to be over, waiting for normality, or some semblance of it to return, waiting to see loved ones or even just to nip to Tesco at 10pm for chocolate because you have none in the house and you really want it (a regular pre-lockdown occurrence in our house). 

As I've been thinking about my poor, broken hand some more  today, I think God wants to speak to me through it again.

Each time it's been broken in the past, I've been on the edge of something, something big, something that's needed a lot of work or attention - something that it would be easy to get lost in and rely only on my own strength.

This is, perhaps, the opposite experience. There is no big thing for me to do (I'm not a medic and would be rubbish at producing a vaccine) there is no project, no exciting adventure around the corner for me to be distracted by. Right now, I have to wait:

As I write, I'm reminded of Psalm 40, some selected verses (you can read the rest here)

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

Blessed is the one

who trusts in the Lord,

Many, Lord my God

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

I think the Lord wants me to remember today that it's not just in the busyness, or the exciting adventures that it's easy to lose sight of him - but also in the waiting.

I quoted the ordination service in my first blog when the bishop says "You cannot bear the weight of this calling in your own strength, but only by the grace and power of God."

I have never believed those words are just true of those of us with a dog collar - it's perhaps even more true, that we all need the grace and power of God in this time of waiting.

Paul Gooder has written an excellent book called 'The Meaning in the Waiting' - you can find it on Amazon here.

She talks about waiting in life being like a pregnancy and the desire that a pregnant couple have for the baby to be born, and to be through with the boring waiting bit. But, if we think about it, in reality, no one who is pregnant wants the waiting to end too soon and for the baby to come early. 

Sometimes this period of waiting can seem passive to the outsider, but internally it’s extremely active. In those 9 months, HUGE amounts are going on, both physically as the child grows, but emotionally in the mother and father as they prepare for their child’s timely arrival.

If we allow ourselves to think about these seasons of waiting in these terms, then it may become less about passing the time between the moments, and more about the deep and lasting value of the time itself. 

David says in this Psalm that he waits patiently for the Lord, he trusts the Lord, and he reflects on the many wonders He has done. 

And so, Colin Hay - much as I love you and your music - it's time for me to learn the lesson of my broken hand and perhaps more importantly of David - and once again to find value in this time - to wait patiently for the Lord, and to reflect again on His many wonders.

Faith seeking understanding

In mid January I preached on my favourite passage of scripture, Ephesians 1:15-24 - Paul's prayer to the Ephesian church. If you were there I wonder if you can remember what I said? Don't worry, it's not a test, January was, I think, 350 years ago!

As part of my talk, I mentioned the fact that Jess and I expect to move on from St Paul's at some point over the next 12  months. Curacies are meant to be just over 3 years in Coventry diocese, and I'll have been here 3 years in July. I talked about needing to trust God in the uncertainty of what was to come.... how little I knew!

I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked recently 'how's this whole global pandemic affecting the job search?' (or words to that effect). In case you're also wondering the quick answer is that largely things are on hold until it's possible to visit and be interviewed by a church in person, and so there isn't much to report - but saying this usually brings the response of 'oh wow, that must be really hard for you? You must be feeling really uncertain?'.



As people have said this I've found myself wondering - is it hard? It feels like it should be hard, it feels like I should be waking up each day and begin with a period of screaming at the top of my voice. Or perhaps, whenever anyone asks, simply replying with a high pitched "I'M FINE" (ref Ross on the TV show Friends). 

But I'm not doing these things - not about this anyway - the reality is, I actually am fine, and it set me wondering why? 


It could be of course, that like so many people, I'm so distracted by everything else going on at the moment I don't have time to panic about any future possible job. Perhaps all my 'panic and unsettled emotions' are focussed on world events, not what's next for the Tams family. I'm not sure it's just that.

When I spoke in January I told the story of being at a swimming pool with Jacob and his grandparents. He decided that he wanted to try getting in on his own, and so, wearing as many floatation devices as it was possible for me to strap onto him, he tentatively lowered himself into the pool. Fine - no dramas. He wanted to do it again, this time (because an Aunt or his Grandpa had I think) he wanted to jump in - OK - I was now significantly more nervous.

Jacob not only jumped in, but dive bombed into the pool, fully going under, probably touching the bottom - possibly, in my imagination at least, visiting the ancient city of Atlantis - before bobbing up to the top. My heart was in my mouth expecting the full on toddler meltdown which was certain to ensue. As he came to the surface, he laughed, ran out of the pool and did it again, and again, and again. He trusted the floats (far more than I did) and was fearless in the face of, what others (certainly I) might see as dangerous uncertainty. 

I've been drawn to this story and this Ephesians passage again as I've reflected on this over the last few days. 

I've know levels of uncertainty before, I'm sure we all have. OK, fair enough, I've never lived through a lockdown, a pandemic or anything like this, most people haven't - but I've known fear of what might or might not happen next. I've know uncertainty over a possible future house or job, or even spouse - these are all things I'm sure we've been through, or perhaps are going through alongside this current situation. Through them all, one thing has been constant - God has been faithful. In some things I'm still working out what His faithfulness looks or looked like, but I know it's true.

What's my point? Well Joyce Meyer puts it like this: "we don't need to have more self confidence, we need to have more God confidence" 

I am at peace about our future job, because I know God has got it in hand. I know that He will be faithful, because I know He has always been faithful. Maybe, just maybe, I need to transfer some of this trust, some of this faith into the current world events.

If we find our hope in our future, if we find security in our circumstance, or if we find our peace in something else, we'll find, time and time again, that these things don't stand up to testing.

What can we do then?

I'm currently re-reading through the Bible in One Year, and we've not long since finished reading Numbers. Here we read of the exile and the many years that God's faithful people spent in the wilderness. I was struck afresh by Moses' response to the uncertainty and times of trial they faced. Time and time again, the scriptures repeat "Moses did as the Lord commanded him". Moses had faith and trusted in God, he took each day as it came - and simply followed as the Lord commanded. 

Today I want some more of that, for every area of my life - trust and obedience to what God commands us to do for today. Or to put it another way, with Jesus' own words:

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:25-27)

As I've written this, the song Cornerstone has been going through my head - you can find a link to it here, but here are some glorious lyrics in this old hymn, made new.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

Then later...

Through the Storm, He is Lord, Lord of all

Amen

P.S. (In case it needs saying) Just a quick health warning - please don't worry, this isn't a crazy evangelical saying "ignore the restrictions, do what you like, the Lord will protect". Do what the government says, be safe, of course - but ultimately, I believe what Paul is calling us to - what the whole of scripture calls us to - is to find our hope, security and ultimately our peace in God. Or to put it another way -