Broken Hands - an introduction

I have not really 'blogged' before, this is a first and may yet be the last. But by way of introduction I would love to share something with you.

In a few hours I will, God willing, be ordained deacon at Coventry Cathedral. For those not in the know, that means I will be wearing a dog collar and look like a vicar, but won't yet be a priest (I will, essentially, be a vicar with L plates, able to do some things a vicar does, but not all). 

The journey to this place has not been short. I first declared to my family that I wanted to be a vicar at around the age of 3. Since then my relationship with ordination, like, in truth, my relationship with God, has been one which has had its ups and downs.

As preparation for ordination I am on a retreat with other, soon to be vicars. It is time to reflect, time to pray, time to prepare for the life ahead. 

As I do so, I am in a little pain - not in any deep and profound sense, but actually my finger really hurts. A few days ago I decided to open a plastic bottle of juice with a knife. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, this failed - the knife slipped and I sliced open my index finger on my left hand.

This is not the first time I've caused significant damage to my hand. Four years ago, almost exactly, I was in the last days of life as a 'single' man before marrying my wonderful wife, Jess. The night before our wedding I closed the door to my lounge and caught the very same finger in-between the door and the frame. I broke the nail, it fell off and the finger turned black and purple - it hurt a great deal!

Co-incidence perhaps, but it has caused me to reflect: 

I do a great deal with my hands, I always have, and probably always will. My grandfather was a keen mechanic, plumber and electrician, and I enjoyed many years of my childhood with him, fixing and making things. I have continued with this tradition of 'fixing things' and love to do DIY around the house or elsewhere. As I do so, I'm conscious that I usually end up relying on my ability to find a solution with little or no help. If I can't work it out myself, the furthest I usually go for help is google on my iPhone.

At the ordination tomorrow the Bishop will say "You cannot bear the weight of this calling in your own strength, but only by the grace and power of God."

This morning he said these words to us as we prepare for tomorrow. As he did so, it struck me that perhaps God was showing me, through the realities of my human failings - evidenced on both occasions by broken hands - that I really cannot 'do' this thing called ordination, just like I can not 'do' marriage, in my own strength - but only through the grace and power of God. 

I shared this thought before we prayed together as ordinands earlier. When it came to be my turn to be prayed for, the DDO (essentially the driving instructor for Vicars - continuing the L plate analogy), who knows much of my story, took my broken hand and placed it on top of my unbroken one. He said words to the effect of "You come before the lord with broken but beautiful hands, to offer yourself for his service from a place of brokenness".

I am no longer 3 (obviously) and it has been a long old journey to this place. The last 32 years of my life have not always been easy. I've experienced much of this world's brokenness, sometimes these experiences have been caused by my own failings, sometimes things have happened to me or been experiences I've had caused by others. As I reflect on this, it is easy to sit here feeling unworthy, broken, unable to be used - but it is God who sees beauty in my brokenness. Someone wise once said "You are beautiful because you are loved, you are not loved because you are beautiful".

If you, like me, feel a bit broken today remember this: God loves you, and will use you, not despite of your brokenness, but because of it. God can, and will use your brokenness to reach a broken world. I don't stand before him tomorrow a perfect person (trust me, I really don't!) but in the wonders of His grace, I am perfect, wonderfully and fearfully made, however much I may not feel it at times.

So, St Paul's are getting a curate, what can they expect? Well, not, in human terms, a perfect person with all of the answers, but as someone once said - I'm just another poor and hungry person, who happens to know where to get bread. I will serve you, but I will do so with broken hands.


As I prepare for tomorrow, please pray for me, as I will pray for you - that God will use us, even at our most broken, for his Kingdom and his Glory.

Just a few other things which have inspired my reflection over the last few days which may help you: 

Firstly, you'll probably have seen the popular picture which goes around Facebook (example below) according to legend, the Japanese repair pottery with Gold or Silver lacquer - an understanding that the piece is more beautiful for being broken.

Secondly, as I've reflected, I've been reminded of one of my all time favourite verses is from Psalm 147:3, 'He heals the brokenhearted, he binds up their wounds.' 

And finally, throughout this retreat, and just before it Forever Reign by Hillsong has regularly been buzzing around my head. If you don't know it listen to it here. I love how it says "you are good when there is nothing good in me, you are love on display for all to see, you are light when the darkness closes in, you are hope, you have covered all my sin".