Expectations... again

In my quiet time this morning, I've reached Luke 9 - the feeding of the 5000, a story you probably know really well, but just in case:

Late in the afternoon the Twelve came to him and said, “Send the crowd away so they can go to the surrounding villages and countryside and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here.” He replied, “You give them something to eat." They answered, “We have only five loaves of bread and two fish—unless we go and buy food for all this crowd.” (About five thousand men were there.) But he said to his disciples, “Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each.” The disciples did so, and everyone sat down. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke them. Then he gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

Verse 13 (in bold) stood out to me this morning as I reflected on this passage. It's not a verse I've ever spent time thinking over before, I'm usually too excited to get on to the miracle of God's provision through the feeding of these 5000 people in this most extraordinary way.

It would be easy to pass this verse off as Jesus not really understanding the situation. The disciples come to Him with a problem - Jesus gives them what He thinks is the solution - they tell Him 'well that won't work' and He says 'oh, ok let's do it this way' (paraphrase) - but I think there is something more to this verse.

Jesus' command to the disciples here is very clear and very simple -  "You give them something to eat". He knows they aren't currently hiding a couple of containers of fish and bread backstage. He can see quite clearly, that there are many thousands of people needing food. He see's and knows full well the issues that are facing them - and yet still He says "You give them something to eat".

The issue here is not that Jesus doesn't grasp the severity of the situation, but that the disciples don't understand the authority and power they have in it.  Jesus' expectation of what the disciples can do in this passage is far higher than the disciples own expectations of themselves. Jesus is gracious, and takes them, step by step through the process - but his intention at the outset was clear - they should have enough faith in Him, and what He could do through them simply to get on and feed the people.

I don't think we can lay too much blame at the feet of the disciples here for their initial lack of faith. How often do we feel God calling us to do something but our response is to say "oh no, no, no God, you've got it wrong, I can't do that. I could maybe do this bit - which looks like what you're asking of me, but not that - it's too much. You don't understand my limitations."

For me, this was a reminder (again) - that Christ is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. (Eph 3). 

After reading this I found myself listening to this relatively new song 'Yet not I but through Christ in me' - if you feel like listening, then maybe ask God (as I did this morning) to re-open the eyes of your heart, so that you might see Him and what His power at work in us is able to achieve. 

 

Here we go again

I doubt many of us were surprised by the announcements yesterday. As we've watched the news and seen the infection rate going up, and so sadly the death rate with it - we've probably all been expecting another lockdown for a little while. 

And yet... perhaps just for me, it has the danger of feeling a bit exhausting, overwhelming and painful. I dislike the phrase "the new normal" but if there is something which is consistent in this season, it's that very little seems to be consistent. 

One of the biggest surprises this week is, if I'm honest, that Jess and I moved into the house without anyone getting ill, or the house being unavailable, or the movers ending up in Southampton or Southport - or some other such unexpected change. Everything went normally and according to plan - and as I sit here reflecting on the week, it's sad how unusual that is in this season of life.

For those of us following Bible in one year, the NT reading is from Hebrews today.

For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. This passage is speaking of God's faithfulness. In a season of inconsistency, of change, of insecurity - there is one we can look to who is constant, never changing, and at the foundation of all.

I preached my final sermon at St Paul's a few weeks ago on trust (you can listen here) and as part of that I shared a picture I was given by a friend who had been praying for me in this season. The picture was of me crossing a river on stepping stones, at night, in a deep fog. It was possible, most of the time, to see the stone just ahead, but not the ones beyond. This picture spoke so clearly to me, and I expect it may to others as well. 

The reality is, this season, if it's teaching us anything, it's that we need to be careful who or indeed what we are putting our hope in, what are we trusting. If we feel our foundations are being rocked - God is calling us, once again to lift our eyes to Him, to hear His voice and to know His leading and His faithfulness. 

Perhaps we need, once again, to draw near to the one who speaks - through His word. Words of life, words of hope, words of light - word's which give us promise that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Hebrews reminds us, not to harden our hearts to Him - but to hear Him, and to know His calling, and ultimately to trust Him.

Throughout this last few weeks, I've not been able to get the below song out of my head. It's a bit old now, but it's words ring true today. There IS a light shining that the darkness doesn't understand.

Let's, today be people of light, people of hope, people who place our hope and trust in God - and "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations" (Deut. 7:9) Amen

There's a battle raging over this land

A deep damage in the people

But pride stops us

Stretching out our withered hand

But God has stretched out to heal us

This I know this I know

This I know this I know

 

That just one touch from the King

Changes ev'rything

Just one touch from the King

Changes ev'rything (ev'rything)

 

There's a great darkness over this land

A deep darkness on the people

But a light is shining

That the dark can't understand

The Light of the world King Jesus

Do you know do you know

Do you know do you know

 

Oh land oh land oh land

Hear the Word of the Lord

Oh land oh land oh land

Hear the Word of the Lord

What are you expecting?

I've been on the verge of writing this blog for about 6 months - but the time has never quite felt right. As we announced my new role a week or so ago, I now feel peace about sharing a few things with you about the calling I've sensed into the role, and what it's taught me about Prophesy.

 

Back in December I preached (fairly badly in my opinion) on Isaiah 10, and I talked about prophesy often having multiple purposes. The prophesies of Isaiah were about a number of seasons and times, the time he found himself in (his present day), the time of Jesus, our present day (some 2000 years later) and a time which is yet to come (which we can read about in Revelation). As we read them, a bit like a focus of a camera lens, we can see the same picture but in different ways. 

 

There are a number of purposes to this prophesy, firstly to declare God’s displeasure and judgement on what He sees around Him and to turn God’s people away from their sin and disobedience. But I believe one of the primary purposes of this (and any) prophesy, is to speak of a future hope and promise (see 1 Cor 14:3).

 

I've been talking a little bit recently about a survey I did a number of years ago, where the question was asked of a church congregation "do you believe that God will move more powerfully in the future than He has in the past?". Overwhelming the congregation said no. Let the reader understand that this church (which I love) had been heavily influenced by John Wimber's ministry - and had seen massive moves of God amongst them 20 years earlier. Since then, they had seen much less of this visible power, and had allowed their ongoing experiences to dictate their expectations. 

 

And so often this is the case -  we allow our experiences to dictate what we are expecting - rather than what we know of God through His word.

 

Maybe there is a little wisdom in this; 'it stops you getting hurt' you might say, but are we, as a consequence, missing out on allowing God to move powerfully amongst us?

 

How many times have you prayed for someone to be healed, for example? Wimber himself, famously prayed for over 100 people to be healed before he saw the first person healed. How did he feel after attempt number 98? Imagine if he had given up after attempt number 99?

 

The purpose of today's blog is not to think too deeply about why we sometimes see God work powerfully, and sometimes don't (I've blogged about that previously). It's to ask myself and perhaps you the question - what are you expecting? And, crucially, what is setting that expectation?

 

I sensed the call to St Jude's back in June last year - I have a text message sent to my prayer triplet on the day to prove it! So many times over the last 14 months (since then) the Lord has reminded me of that call in some quite extraordinary ways. And yet, lots of people told me it probably wasn't going to happen. I was strongly encouraged to apply for other roles and was advised not to pin all, if any, of my hopes on this one position.

 

So good were my wise counsel of friends in this issuing of advice, that I began to believe it - as we went on holiday in early June I even began to wonder if it was worth me going to the interviews at all - so convinced was I becoming of the 'world's' expectations.

 

The Lord, in His graciousness, reminded me of my own talk from last Christmas, and asked me the questions, I had asked others at the time - what are you expecting? Are you allowing prophesy to speak truth over experience in your life?

 

I spent time in Romans 4 that day which (abridged) says this:

 

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed... Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

 

Corrected by the graciousness of God, I returned to believing that the Lord was indeed calling me into this role, and went to the interviews (obviously!) He continued to be gracious and faithful - right up-to and including the day of the interviews themselves, with more remarkable signs that this was what he was calling me to. 

 

My calling to St Paul’s was very similar and equally remarkable. One thing which I believe to be true (perhaps obviously) is that doing as God calls is without question the best thing we can do – not always the easiest thing, but most certainly the best. Knowing this gives me a real sense of excitement for St Jude’s as I prepare to join them as vicar – nervous excitement – but excitement none-the-less.  On the day of the interviews a praying friend encouraged me with 1 Thes 5:24 “The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.” – If God calls, our response should be obedience and a commitment to believing His voice, knowing that He is faithful and He will do it.

 

Isaiah proclaimed God's hope and future promise to an unbelieving generation. He tried to turn people's eyes away from the world, and its expectations - and to what God was saying. So, dear reader (if you're still there) - I ask you the same questions today.

 

What are you expecting?

What is directing those expectations? Is it your experiences or is it God's word?

Are you expecting to see God to move more powerfully in the future than He has in the past?

 

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. 

 

I want to commit not only to listening to God (something I've done for a long time now) but to believing what He says - and so setting my expectations not on my experiences, but on His word.

 

(Below - a prophetic painting, by Jess - and our first attempt at the real thing)

Waiting for my real life to begin

When I started this blog (nearly 3 years ago) I talked about 'serving with broken hands' - you can read it here:

Broken Hands - an introduction

I talked about how in a number of seasons in my life I had managed to damage my left hand - specifically before I was married and before I was ordained. At the time I reflected that perhaps God was teaching me through the realities of my human failings that I really cannot 'do' being ordained, just like I can not 'do' marriage, in my own strength - but only through the grace and power of God. 

Well folks, my hand is broken again - a few days ago our toddler had an accident in the middle of the night, which - without giving too much detail meant at 3am I needed to wash my feet. In an attempt to not wake my wife (the only thing which was successful that evening) I managed to break our bathroom sink, and in attempting (and failing) to fix it, now have a rather deep and painful cut, once again on my left hand.

Perhaps the real lesson I need to learn is that I'm no where near as practically minded as I think I am. (Thanks to Ed who fixed the sink for us - at a social distance, obviously).

I posted on Sunday (just a few days ago) about how, at the moment, I'm not really worrying too much about our future and know that God has it in hand. All that is true and I'm not about to issue a retraction - I still know the peace which comes from knowing that I can trust God - but I've been reflecting further for these few days since.

These times are strange - if one more person on the news tells me they are unprecedented I may have to throw something at the television - which, in itself, would be unprecedented I guess...

For some these are really hard times, for our wonderful NHS, for those ensuring we can eat, have water and electricity, have safe streets and our rubbish collected (to name but a few) - they are not only busier than ever, but also literally involve them putting their lives at risk each and each day. It is right that we thank them by clapping each week, and we must find ways of thanking them with more than just applause when we can.

But for the rest of us, or at least for me, it can feel like the world has come to a stop - that we aren't really going anywhere, or doing anything. As an example, my university have decided that I don't need to to submit an essay for my current module - I will simply have been deemed to have passed it without assessment - like, somehow these next three months don't really 'count'. 

I doubt many of you know the song 'Waiting for my real life to begin' by Colin Hay (his band, Men at Work, wrote 'I come from a land down under', don't let that put you off). You can listen to it here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQBHPn9sDfY  It's not a worship song and I don't think Colin Hay is a Christian.

His second verse says:

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened

But in my dreams, I slew the dragon

And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane

I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

I don't want to give you the impression I'm not doing anything, that without a church to be curating (that's a word) in I'm sat at home waiting for the phone to ring. Quite the opposite, I had expected this term to be a quiet one as we prepared to move - it is, in fact, busier than ever. But yet, even amongst the 'stuff', I resonate with those words 'suddenly, nothing happened' - and certainly 'I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again'.

In a very real sense at the moment we are waiting - waiting for this whole thing to be over, waiting for normality, or some semblance of it to return, waiting to see loved ones or even just to nip to Tesco at 10pm for chocolate because you have none in the house and you really want it (a regular pre-lockdown occurrence in our house). 

As I've been thinking about my poor, broken hand some more  today, I think God wants to speak to me through it again.

Each time it's been broken in the past, I've been on the edge of something, something big, something that's needed a lot of work or attention - something that it would be easy to get lost in and rely only on my own strength.

This is, perhaps, the opposite experience. There is no big thing for me to do (I'm not a medic and would be rubbish at producing a vaccine) there is no project, no exciting adventure around the corner for me to be distracted by. Right now, I have to wait:

As I write, I'm reminded of Psalm 40, some selected verses (you can read the rest here)

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

Blessed is the one

who trusts in the Lord,

Many, Lord my God

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

I think the Lord wants me to remember today that it's not just in the busyness, or the exciting adventures that it's easy to lose sight of him - but also in the waiting.

I quoted the ordination service in my first blog when the bishop says "You cannot bear the weight of this calling in your own strength, but only by the grace and power of God."

I have never believed those words are just true of those of us with a dog collar - it's perhaps even more true, that we all need the grace and power of God in this time of waiting.

Paul Gooder has written an excellent book called 'The Meaning in the Waiting' - you can find it on Amazon here.

She talks about waiting in life being like a pregnancy and the desire that a pregnant couple have for the baby to be born, and to be through with the boring waiting bit. But, if we think about it, in reality, no one who is pregnant wants the waiting to end too soon and for the baby to come early. 

Sometimes this period of waiting can seem passive to the outsider, but internally it’s extremely active. In those 9 months, HUGE amounts are going on, both physically as the child grows, but emotionally in the mother and father as they prepare for their child’s timely arrival.

If we allow ourselves to think about these seasons of waiting in these terms, then it may become less about passing the time between the moments, and more about the deep and lasting value of the time itself. 

David says in this Psalm that he waits patiently for the Lord, he trusts the Lord, and he reflects on the many wonders He has done. 

And so, Colin Hay - much as I love you and your music - it's time for me to learn the lesson of my broken hand and perhaps more importantly of David - and once again to find value in this time - to wait patiently for the Lord, and to reflect again on His many wonders.

Faith seeking understanding

In mid January I preached on my favourite passage of scripture, Ephesians 1:15-24 - Paul's prayer to the Ephesian church. If you were there I wonder if you can remember what I said? Don't worry, it's not a test, January was, I think, 350 years ago!

As part of my talk, I mentioned the fact that Jess and I expect to move on from St Paul's at some point over the next 12  months. Curacies are meant to be just over 3 years in Coventry diocese, and I'll have been here 3 years in July. I talked about needing to trust God in the uncertainty of what was to come.... how little I knew!

I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked recently 'how's this whole global pandemic affecting the job search?' (or words to that effect). In case you're also wondering the quick answer is that largely things are on hold until it's possible to visit and be interviewed by a church in person, and so there isn't much to report - but saying this usually brings the response of 'oh wow, that must be really hard for you? You must be feeling really uncertain?'.



As people have said this I've found myself wondering - is it hard? It feels like it should be hard, it feels like I should be waking up each day and begin with a period of screaming at the top of my voice. Or perhaps, whenever anyone asks, simply replying with a high pitched "I'M FINE" (ref Ross on the TV show Friends). 

But I'm not doing these things - not about this anyway - the reality is, I actually am fine, and it set me wondering why? 


It could be of course, that like so many people, I'm so distracted by everything else going on at the moment I don't have time to panic about any future possible job. Perhaps all my 'panic and unsettled emotions' are focussed on world events, not what's next for the Tams family. I'm not sure it's just that.

When I spoke in January I told the story of being at a swimming pool with Jacob and his grandparents. He decided that he wanted to try getting in on his own, and so, wearing as many floatation devices as it was possible for me to strap onto him, he tentatively lowered himself into the pool. Fine - no dramas. He wanted to do it again, this time (because an Aunt or his Grandpa had I think) he wanted to jump in - OK - I was now significantly more nervous.

Jacob not only jumped in, but dive bombed into the pool, fully going under, probably touching the bottom - possibly, in my imagination at least, visiting the ancient city of Atlantis - before bobbing up to the top. My heart was in my mouth expecting the full on toddler meltdown which was certain to ensue. As he came to the surface, he laughed, ran out of the pool and did it again, and again, and again. He trusted the floats (far more than I did) and was fearless in the face of, what others (certainly I) might see as dangerous uncertainty. 

I've been drawn to this story and this Ephesians passage again as I've reflected on this over the last few days. 

I've know levels of uncertainty before, I'm sure we all have. OK, fair enough, I've never lived through a lockdown, a pandemic or anything like this, most people haven't - but I've known fear of what might or might not happen next. I've know uncertainty over a possible future house or job, or even spouse - these are all things I'm sure we've been through, or perhaps are going through alongside this current situation. Through them all, one thing has been constant - God has been faithful. In some things I'm still working out what His faithfulness looks or looked like, but I know it's true.

What's my point? Well Joyce Meyer puts it like this: "we don't need to have more self confidence, we need to have more God confidence" 

I am at peace about our future job, because I know God has got it in hand. I know that He will be faithful, because I know He has always been faithful. Maybe, just maybe, I need to transfer some of this trust, some of this faith into the current world events.

If we find our hope in our future, if we find security in our circumstance, or if we find our peace in something else, we'll find, time and time again, that these things don't stand up to testing.

What can we do then?

I'm currently re-reading through the Bible in One Year, and we've not long since finished reading Numbers. Here we read of the exile and the many years that God's faithful people spent in the wilderness. I was struck afresh by Moses' response to the uncertainty and times of trial they faced. Time and time again, the scriptures repeat "Moses did as the Lord commanded him". Moses had faith and trusted in God, he took each day as it came - and simply followed as the Lord commanded. 

Today I want some more of that, for every area of my life - trust and obedience to what God commands us to do for today. Or to put it another way, with Jesus' own words:

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:25-27)

As I've written this, the song Cornerstone has been going through my head - you can find a link to it here, but here are some glorious lyrics in this old hymn, made new.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

Then later...

Through the Storm, He is Lord, Lord of all

Amen

P.S. (In case it needs saying) Just a quick health warning - please don't worry, this isn't a crazy evangelical saying "ignore the restrictions, do what you like, the Lord will protect". Do what the government says, be safe, of course - but ultimately, I believe what Paul is calling us to - what the whole of scripture calls us to - is to find our hope, security and ultimately our peace in God. Or to put it another way - 

How's your hope?

I’ve not written one of these for a while (sorry) if we end up being in ‘lock down’ you might get a few more – but I’ve had this on my heart for a few days and I wanted to share.

Covid19, is, without question unprecedented in our age and I’m sure you have, like me, been keeping as up to date as possible with developments. Early last week I listened to a podcast from Kris Vallaton of Bethel church America (found here) who spoke about a second virus at work in our world, the virus of fear.

As I’ve reflected on this, I don’t think he’s wrong, but I also don’t think this second ‘virus’ came with the rise of covid19. For the last few years our nation has, for a lot of people, been battling a fear of ‘Brexit’ what it looks like, what it will mean, how it will affect us. Perhaps in this nation, at least, we’ve simply substituted one fear for another.

Never wanting to jump on a particular President’s band wagon, but I doubt the media outlets are helping, every time I go to check the news I half expect a big counter at the top of the page telling me how many people are now infected and how many have died. 

But how are we to respond to this?

Of course, Covid19 is serious, it is likely to continue in its rise and we will, as our prime minister said, likely see many more people die as a result. We must do everything we can in order to protect both ourselves, and crucially the most vulnerable in our society.

If you’ve ever heard me preach you will know that my favourite passage of scripture is from Ephesians 1.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

There is so much richness in these verses but I want to pick up on two words, firstly, Hope. 

How hopeful are you feeling today? 

It’s been said that the words “do not fear” appear in the bible 365 times, sadly I can’t find them all – but it’s certainly true this command of God appears in scripture a lot (I found 145).

Paul prays for the Ephesian church that their eyes would be opened to the ‘hope to which he has called you’ – and whenever I get to this part of the passage I think of the story of Elisha and his servant, seemingly about to be captured and Elisha’s servant suddenly feels completely hopeless. Elisha prays “open his eyes” and suddenly the servant is able to see all of the resources of heaven on the hill tops around him. (If you don’t know the story, read it here) 

I led worship yesterday evening, and as part of it wanted to include the song ‘raise a hallelujah’ (found here)

The chorus says:

I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm

Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar

Up from the ashes, hope will arise

Death is defeated, the King is alive!

Whatever happens over the next few days, weeks and months – we have a hope which is greater, and can look to a God who is greater than anything this world can throw at us.

And so, my first response is to sing (metaphorically as well as, probably, actually) in the middle of this storm, to the God who brings hope. And I’m going to pray that He will open my eyes to see His resources and to not be afraid.

The second word I want to pick up on quickly is the word power, and I wonder how powerful you are feeling at the moment? Unless you’re one of the people working on a vaccine, then perhaps you’re feeling pretty powerless in the face of this outbreak. Perhaps these feelings of powerlessness are to blame for the panic buying we are seeing – as people feel powerless it’s only natural to cling on to the things which are within our control.

Paul prays that our eyes would be open to see, the great power available to us and the reality is that we do have power. God has given us power to see change and His Kingdom come through our prayers – and the archbishops have rightly called us to pray, this must be our first response and something powerful we can all do. 

I’m sure, however, there are other things we could do – perhaps contacting on the phone those we know who are alone. I know members of our church family are already reaching out and giving notes to their neighbours offering to help if they end up having to self isolate – this is a great idea, maybe even attach some chocolate! Whatever we decide, I’m sure there are ways we can not only help and support one another, but also be powerful people to spread some joy, laughter and hope.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful, wouldn't it be powerful - if the hope which arises from the ashes of this coronavirus is the healing of the separations and divisions which we’ve seen grow so much over the last few years. 

Whatever you do, I encourage you to know that you are not powerless, but God calls us know His power at work in us, and to point others to a God who is able to ‘immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine’.

I want to finish with quoting a blessing that God placed (independently) on both mine and my colleague’s hearts for the end of yesterday’s services at St Paul’s. Perhaps, if you’re willing, you might pray it with me today:

Go forth into the world in peace.

Be of good courage.

Hold fast that which is good.

Render to no one evil for evil.

Strengthen the fainthearted.

Support the weak.

Help the afflicted.

Show love to everyone.

Love and serve the Lord,

rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit;

and the blessing of God almighty,

the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

be among us and remain with us always. Amen.

I did a thing...

This is a departure from my usual blog posts - although there is still some 'God' in it - I am a vicar after all!

So those of you who have seen me, or my facebook picture, will have noticed a relatively dramatic change in me over the last few months - aside from that which comes from being honed into the perfect husband (ha) by Jess, the perfect father (ha ha) by Jacob, and the perfect curate (ha ha ha) by St Paul's.

I've lost a significant amount of weight - standard before and after photo below.

Why the blog?

Well, I've been asked about 10 times in the last 2 days how I've done it - the answer to this question is not one that can easily be given in a few moments caught in conversation. I'm writing this, in no means, by way of 'do this, and you, like me, can lose a life changing amount of weight' - I'm writing this, both for myself - and also, I hope, so you can understand a little more of my own journey with food/weight. If it helps you, then great - if it just sends you to sleep, well enjoy the rest!

Some History

I was, in fact, not at my heaviest in this photo on the left - here I was around 230lb (16st 6lb, 104.32kg), and the heaviest weight I've been was when I was ordained in 2017 when I was 242lb - (17st 4, 109.79kg). In truth, I've spent most of certainly the last 10 years (for how long I've been keeping track) at around the 230lb mark - and so the picture is a good indication of how most who have known me will have seen me.

Whilst I was a normal weight as a young child, I was overweight by the time I was 12/13 and have often straddled the BMI barrier between overweight and obese since then.

I've had two 'successful' (ish) attempts at losing weight in my life. One when I was 17, when - because of a love interest, I gave up meat. Given I didn't eat vegetables, this meant my diet consisted exclusively of Linda McCartney sausages, potatoes and cheese - whilst the BMI calculator told me I was 'healthy' I'm not convinced with a diet like that, it could ever have been considered 'healthy'. As soon as the love interest wained, so did my desire to be vegetarian. In eating meat, I suddenly (and unsurprisingly) put on all the weight.

The second attempt was not all that long ago - I got down to 207lb (14st 11lb, 93.89kg) in the later part of 2015. Sadly, shortly after I reached this weight (which I maintained for a couple of months) Jess and I experienced a miscarriage - as I'll explore shortly, my 'emotional' eating, led to me reaching, eventually, my heaviest ever weight of 242lb.

As of today I am 188lb this is 13st 6lb or 85.26kg and crucially - for the first time since I was 17 - within the 'healthy' range for my height. I am not yet finished losing weight, my plan is to be a little under 13 stone (someone said yesterday, leave a little space for Christmas!) this means I can afford to put on a few pounds occasionally, whilst still being healthy. I am, however, not, as concentrated on the goal of losing weight as I was, but recognise that now begins the equally hard task of maintenance.


What hasn't worked

I mentioned above that I've been tracking my weight for 10 years, that isn't an exaggeration - in fact, I have been doing it for much longer, most of my adult life - I just have the records (mostly on my phone) for the last 10 years. This is because I've spent much of the last 10 years constantly aware of my weight, constantly aware of the health risks it poses, and constantly trying different diets. I have, over time, tried Slimming World, Weight Watchers, 5:2 fasting, the Mediterranean diet, compassionate eating, and the 'don't eat anything other than healthy food and go to the gym a lot diet' (largely created by me, which is what saw me lose the weight in 2015).

All of these diets have a number of flaws, the main one being I get bored really easily, and when you get bored or when life gets tough - you slip back into old habits.

What has worked this time

The weight loss has been gradual but also in stages - I began to lose weight after I was ordained in 2017, firstly by simply being careful - here I got down to my normal 'low' weight of 220lbs 99.79kg, 15 stone 10. This is a weight I've been at a number of times, and one I could achieve fairly easily by being a little more careful. It made a reasonable difference on the way I looked and felt - and given I'd started at 242, represented nearly 10% of my body weight (Weight Watchers initial goal).

I then got a bit stuck and was still at 220lbs in January this year.

A number of things happened in January which spurred a renewed energy for weight loss. They come under 3 categories - each, I think are important.

Emotional

I've hinted above that weight loss, for me, has had an emotional connection - this has always been the case, and I suspect my weight gain as a child has some connection with the loss of my father when I was very young. Food has always been a reward for me, and a way of 'comforting'. Somewhat oddly, I would get low about the fact I was fat, and I'd make myself feel better - temporarily at least - by eating a burger, or a large bar of chocolate - and then I'd feel even worse for the same!

I know these were poor thought processes, but as with many of these - it's hard to get out of it.

I did three things, all around the same time which changed my thinking -

Firstly, as I begun the 'Bible in One Year' - I was struck, afresh by Jesus' words "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word which comes from the mouth of God" - this reliance on food as my 'crutch' was, I realised, counter to God's design for me - and it should be Him who I rely on in times of difficulty. Whilst I can't honestly say that in the moment, I have never again 'comfort eaten' in the last 6 months - it has given me the motivation to think differently about how I respond to the difficult times which I've continued to have.

Secondly I read an article online (which sadly I've been unable to find) which said that the number one reason people fail to lose weight is that they start a diet, get bored or have a bad day/weekend/week or even month, put back on much of the weight they've lost and then give in. I was preparing a preach at the time, and realised the similarity between this - and sin. The reason people get caught into a web of sin, is they do something they shouldn't and suddenly think, if only subconsciously 'oh well, I've done it once - I may as well continue'. This fairly basic statement became very real to me for the first time - and I realised what I should have realised a long time ago, that if I slip (which I have a number of times over the last 6 months) it isn't a reason to give up - it's a reason to pick myself up, perhaps work a little harder for a few days, and to keep pressing on.

The third reason is probably the most important emotionally. In January we found out that the baby Jess was carrying (yay) was a girl. I was hit by a range of emotions, including a memory of my sister's wedding day, and a feeling of sadness that I had that her father (and mine) wasn't there to walk her down the aisle. My dad passed away because of a heart issue caused by his lifestyle (both weight and smoking). I was determined at that point, that this wasn't going to be the story for our daughter (or indeed Jacob, my son). This motivation has also been key in the 'picking myself up again' which I talked about in the previous point.

So, that was the reasoning behind the push this year - but the simple science remains. It's not possible to lose weight unless the net number of calories you exert is greater than the number of calories you input into your body. Any fancy diet boils down to this simple maths!

Diet

In late December I watched a couple of YouTube videos about sugar, the best one is a BBC documentary from 2015 found here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4LzSH9qU_Q

I was a little surprised to hear a number of things through these programmes.

1) That sugar is, almost literally, in everything we eat - it's added to make food last longer and taste better.
2) That we, as a nation and the western world, are addicted to sugar.
3) That sugar is fast catching up with smoking as the number one cause of death (through diabetes and weight) in this country (it may even have now overtaken, I've not checked).

I love sugar, I love sweet things, I love chocolate - but I began to wonder through watching these programs if I was addicted to sugar. One of them showed someone taking part in a sugar fast - and I committed to do this over the next month.

In fact, spurred on from the motivation above, I managed 6 weeks in which I ate no added sugar. I allowed myself fruit (although given I was still a 17 year old a heart, this was more, I ate fruit, rather than allowed) and didn't worry about sugar which natural occurs - but didn't have added sugar, or a similar product (including honey/syrup). I'm very grateful, especially to Jess, for the faff that this was for our daily diet!

You go through a number of different stages - from the expected withdrawal symptoms (I had shakes and headaches, and my bowels did not wish for me to give up sugar) to an emotional hatred of the stuff - I'm still angry with ASDA who have no sugar in their normal breadsticks, and yet have put sugar in their 'kids small breadsticks' - WHY?!

One of the most interesting things, once I'd got through the initial couple of weeks, was I discovered I wasn't hungry anywhere near as much as I had been. I would eat three meals a day, and in those 6 weeks, didn't eat particularly healthy food (I regularly had bacon on no added sugar bread (which is really hard to find - Waitrose Farmhouse being my favourite) but I still lost weight because I wasn't eating anywhere near what I had been.

After 6 weeks, I'd lost another 10lbs, and felt even better than I had before. I was nearly back to the weight I'd been in 2015 and able to wear some of the clothes I'd purchased at that time.

I then took a break (as explained below) for a couple of weeks until the end of March. Despite going back to eating sugar, I maintained the weight I had managed to lose.

I now eat sugar most days, but rarely eat any after around 2pm (the same rule I have with coffee) - we try to buy 'sugar free' alternatives where possible, but we don't allow it to stop us eating out (which is nearly impossible when you are strictly sugar free by the way - GBK burger on an vegan (sour dough) bun is the only thing I found - again not healthy, but sugar free!). Doing this means that I don't 'snack' late into the evening - which on the days when I fail (which are occasional) I find I then do again. Having a bar of chocolate at 7pm means I'm hungry again at 7:30pm and again, and again, and again.

Exercise

One of the key differences this time to last time has been the fact that I didn't try to do everything at once. Being sugar free for 6 weeks was incredibly hard, and so aside from walking to work occasionally - I didn't even try to do any additional exercise. Once I'd settled into a diet which worked for me, which was basically eating what I liked, but just watching sugar (in early March) I decided that I also need to improve my heart health with some form of exercise. I'd tried running in the past and hated it, and enjoyed the Gym - but always found the hardest part of the gym was summoning up the will power to leave the house.

I decided I'd give the couch to 5k programme another try - this is an NHS led programme which you can find more details of here -

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/couch-to-5k-week-by-week/

The idea (unsurprisingly) is that you go from not running, to running 5k in 9 weeks. It's a little bit of false advertising as I've been doing it for 4 months and I'm still not running 5k - but I am running for half an hour, which is the actual target it works towards. If you don't know, essentially you start by running for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds 8 times. It then builds until you are running for 30 minutes in a row. The biggest jump was around week 6 where you went from running for 8 minutes to running for 20 minutes - I was convinced that this wouldn't be possible, but was determined to give it a go - the sense of pride I had when I'd done it was almost sin worthy!

It has taken a very long time to get to the stage where I can say I 'enjoy' running - for most of the last 4 months I would said I've enjoyed the feeling of having run, but not the actual experience. Just a few times over the last few weeks I've actually found I've wanted to go for a run.

Determination and will power are key with this - it recommends doing three runs a week, I actually did a little more than this, as I decided I would run, without fail, every other day until I completed the course. Before I started I spent an obscene amount of money on expensive running shoes, to give me a further reason to continue, and sorted out clothes I could wear for running, regardless of the weather. I have run in a rain storm, in wind and on beautiful sunny days - fortunately I've missed any snow. The key is to keep going.

Just a quick note - the app doesn't really give you space to do stretching - please make sure you do as I've had a few problems along the way.

So, what are my top tips for losing weight?

Number one - work out what's going on emotionally. I think this has been the biggest thing for me, and without the motivation I wouldn't have succeeded.

Number two - Don't try to do everything at once. Every time I've tried to lose weight in the past I've come up with a spreadsheet showing what I'll eat, when I'll exercise and how much I'll lose by the end. It always failed because the expectations were too high.

Number three - find a diet that works and that you enjoy. I've watch a million diet programmes (possibly an exaggeration, but it's not far off) but I've tried many more beyond the ones at the top. Actually, for me I realised I was addicted to sugar. It may be you're addicted to cheese, or crisps or something else - whatever it is, find it, and stick to it.

Number four - find a way of exercising that works. It doesn't have to be running - although I have to say, you would struggle to find someone as anti running as I was - and I'm almost at the point where I enjoy it.

Number five - most important - keep going. Remember the goal you have in mind and be kind to yourself. Celebrate your wins, and don't focus too hard on your failures. Someone quoted an American preacher to me earlier about something else - she said "I'm not yet at the place I want to be, but I'm thankful to God that I'm no longer in the place I was" - I think this might become my new motto.

Good luck, and thanks for reading!